The stages of personal change
Yesterday when I was coaching a client we got into the subject of how and when people change. One of the important factors of change, the pivotal force, so to speak, it one's self confidence. My client firmly believed that one's self confidence grows when you are more appreciated. I told him that this was a flawed perception.
When you are lacking self confidence, no amount of external appreciation will ever give you the feeling that you are good enough or valuable enough. Even when you have nine people around you positively commenting on you, you will still focus on this one odd person that does not. And thus you spin yourself into a loop that you never get out of. One never gets to a situation where you are always appreciated by everyone in your environment and thus the self confidence never builds that way.
Most people in that situation keep chasing appreciation the rest of their lives, always ending up disappointed.
Appreciation and the way you feel about yourself is an inside out job: it starts inside yourself and later on it shows up in your environment.
This is how it sort of goes.
Stage 1 - You find yourself to be in a fucked up situation, working hard, doing all you can, but never getting the appreciation for it.
Stage 2 - You start valorizing yourself, positively affirming your self image, what you think about yourself, how good you are, how dedicated you are, but the situation outside of you is still fucked up, so you are basically lying to yourself because the outside world does not resemble what you believe about yourself inside.
Stage 3 - You continue valorizing yourself, positively affirming your self image, what you think about yourself, how good you are, how dedicated you are, the situation outside of you is still fucked up, but your perception changes about it, you look at it with a soft eye, even find it funny how crazy this world is, so you are basically lying to yourself because the outside world does not resemble what you believe about yourself inside but you are having fun with it.
Stage 4 - You continue to valorize yourself, positively affirming your self image, what you think about yourself, how good you are, how dedicated you are, and thus become less dependent on the outside appreciation. Now people in your environment start to behave differently, you get more opportunities, more positive input, more career possibilities. Your environment starts to reflect more the image that you have been appreciating about yourself for some time now.
Stage 5 - You have become so aware of the fact that you create your environment from the inside out that you now can deliberately change your environment: your environment further positively reflects you and/or you find yourself in a complete new environment (new colleagues/friends, new job,...).
So remember change is always an inside out job!
Cris
Cyres.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating: I have reached stage 4 now and can confirm that it works! Beware, it does take a serious amount of time. And you encounter drawbacks along the long and winding road. But as the result is gradually showing, I can assure you it is worth the effort. I wonder which way I will turn in stage 5
Thanks for your encouraging coaching, Cris.
And keep up the good work!
Kind regards,
Kristine
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